All things through God

Okay so I’m doing it again, admitting that I don’t always have the Courage to change the things I can. Unbelievable that my whole life has changed (sometimes just in regards to perspective) and I haven’t totally admitted this to myself.

I was at a meeting this morning before church and a lady was talking about the struggle she has been having addressing her financial situation. She’s been taking the mail in and burning it rather than opening it, seeing her debt and calling to make payment arrangements. She stated that she basically knows the debt load, knows she can make arrangements but doesn’t. She mentioned that she doesn’t have the strength to deal with that aspect of her life so she burns the letters in the fireplace and actually enjoys the feeling.

I GET HER.

That was me. Once upon a time I had wracked up bills etc and danced the dance of avoidance. The calls came and the notices piled. When I “got real” about it I KNEW I couldn’t deal with it all, it was too complex for my mind. Bull puckey.

I just didn’t want to admit I’d dropped the ball and clean up my mess. Soooooo when the day came…the Get Real Day…I knew that God could give me the strength if I asked. Simple enough to find a financial advisor and just jump in and do it. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d thought or as difficult to clear it all up.

Well my friends I have been burying my head in the sand again. Imagine that I’m not perfect…I know shocker to myself 😉

This time the topic is (insert that foreboding music…duhnnn duhnn duhnnn…..) my weight. Yes friends I happen to be overweight. Way overweight. I know it’s shocking to you because the strategic angle and lighting of my pics show me to be Stunningly fit 😉
Alas it’s true.

My whole life I’ve battled up and down with quick fixes. Before my car accident last Feb I was in the middle of getting fit again, had begun training and was committed to a 1/2 marathon in May. Well okay it’s been 10 months and I cannot work out at all. I still have inabilities physically but seriously does that mean that my newly acquired love for chocolate and over indulgence of said luscious treat is okay to ignore?

NOPE

I am opening my eyes and being rigorously honest with myself here. I realize that I have memory issues and will go all day without eating, then be ravenous and eat like a team of young football players at a buffet.

2 choices remain: ignore it and continue with this unhealthy way….or address it, control it using tools and make great food choices.

I choose option 2.

I have increased my water intake (peeing like a racehorse and seriously desire a bathroom on each level of my home) we’ve stocked up on fresh foods in the house and I’ve joined a group of people who are committed to losing weight. We are called “the biggest losers”….original really but heck it’s an accountability system and someone will win a pot of cash.

I’m setting myself up for success here (as much as is possible, come on folks I’m not shooting for the pot of cash….just healthy eating habits).
I am plugging in reminders on my phone to eat (I lose time, seriously),
We have healthy food planned for the week,
I have a friend who will weigh in with me,
I am accepting that I now have a huge fear of physical pain and have to work around that.

I am beginning to understand my limitations and not resent them quite as much. I’ve prayed for God to lift the resentment from me, to give me the strength to recover but also day to day to help me with remaining positive.

I don’t have the courage to face this but GOD does. I believe that through Him anything is possible so I refuse to shoot myself in the foot before I begin.

I may not be able to run the 5k/day I would have, but I can eat a healthy diet and continue with physio and exercises.

Self image for me is a big deal. I used to define a large part of myself by my profession and at the moment I’ve lost that.

I also placed a high amount on my level of fitness which is also hugely diminished (a polite way of saying it’s in the gutter).

Now I’m not certain that either of those have meant much to me lately which isn’t bad for the spiritual side but the health factor must be addressed. My body won’t recover if I continue to gain weight.

God grant me the Courage to change the things I can!!!!

Respond with Love

My family was hit really hard over the Christmas and New Year break with colds, nursing the girls was successful but alas now it is my turn. Of course it is. I’ve been forgetting to blog, this doesn’t surprise me because frankly I forget alot in my life these days. So I’m adding a reminder to my phone and we’ll see how I do.

Resolutions weren’t something I did much…when I was younger I did but I found I just didn’t really keep them.

I did resolve to turn my will to God a while ago and that’s working, it’s becoming more of a habit than a consious thought now. I recently resolved to Respond with Love. This was a resolve which came from a wonderful man in the rooms who adapted the Respond rather than React phrase. I love this man….he has a ton of sobriety, a strong Christian faith and his love for life and others exudes from him.

Confession:
I did NOT respond with love when our dog decided to chew her bone while it was on top of my husband’s cell phone…..the phone got chewed in the process. Bad Dog Miss Cocoa Bean. She’s bloody lucky she’s cute.

I did however manage to hold it together long enough to survive constant bickering between the children on NYE (eldest daughter’s birthday)…..they are alive  😉 It’s amazing how much a 5 year old girl can pout over the span of 10 hours.

Our past New Year Eve celebrations were usually preplanned and consisted of large parties at our house, mainly because it’s our eldest’s birthday. This year I didn’t plan anything and was feeling a bit down at the lack of invitations and my lack of desire to attend the few events which we had been invited to.
Then on New Years Eve afternoon we were unexpectedly invited to a wonderful party. A family whom we’ve know for quite a few years has a HUGE annual gathering, generally the same families attend each year. When the hostess found out our family was free she immediately contacted us and let me know that she was “excited that we could make it”. I was brought to tears. Here I’d prayed for me to accept and to enjoy our quiet time and God had something else in mind.
The people who attend this amazing party are exactly the folks I enjoy so much. Their faith is strong and alchol wasn’t even noticeable …..hubby said that a few of the guys had drinks but I didn’t see it.
It was like God knew EXACTLY what my little family would enjoy the most and sent it on a platter….duhhh of course He does. I was humbled he provided this opportunity for us. My girls are still raving about their “best New Years Eve ever”
Again I was reminded to trust in the Lord, that He knows all things and will provide exactly what He thinks we require to fufill his purpose.
I’m so glad I’m listening to God these days….He isn’t having to raise His voice quite as often to get my attention, in the past there was a need to use a megaphone directly into my ear!

My verse for the year 2011….Proverbs 3:5-6 from The Message:
Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all.

Blessed

Well the Christmas celebrations are almost done and we’ve survived! Full of love, laughter and tears it was amazing for our little family. While at times I missed the glow which a wonderful glass of red wine brings I didn’t miss the sluggish, painful Christmas morning wake up, the shame or the bruises from falling down or bumping into who knows what.
This year we had 2 sick girls and we were up for 4 nights tending to them. This was tiring but also gave the opportunity for time with them in my arms to reflect on their wonderful little lives. How much they’ve experienced, the love they’ve felt and prayer for many more such times for them.
Christmas Eve I was sitting with Sydney (eldest) listening to Christmas Shoes on the radio which always makes me cry and she began SOBBING! She said “I’m so glad you didn’t die in your car accident” WOW
This little 6 year old has been giving hints at being constantly worried about me but man this hit hard. We cried together and then chatted about the fact that I’m alive by the Grace of God and that we must be thankful for all the time he allows us here before we go Home.
Did I mention that hubby thought this was a great time for a photo?
Christmas morning was hilarious, hubby in one daughter’s bed and me with the other (romance was dead to say the least). 7am and hubby and I were waking them….that was a trip! Then we loaded the breakfast in the oven, got a cup of coffee and expected them to dive into the presents. NOPE. The littlest just stood with huge eyes staring at the gifts and the oldest just layed on the couch. hmmmm where’s the lively girls we know??
So we helped it along and soon enough they got it!

My youngest Chelsea sporting her “oh my gosh it’s the Tangled “Bapunzle” baby!!”

Here is our eldest Sydney performing what we are now referring to as the “recline” pose of unwrapping gifts.
We then went on to Christmas Brunch at my sister and brother-in-law’s house with my folks and it was a BLAST! We had fantastic food and even played Taboo, have you played this game? If not go get it, serious fun and even a buzzer to annoy the other team with….as my brother in law found.
I took the chance to snap this sweet shot of Chelsea while we were there.
In closing this blog I’ll say that I may have physical limitations, memory and processing issues, be an alcoholic but as my daughter told me:
God made me AMAZING, just like I am.
Blessed indeed.

Christmas Blessings

Well it’s Christmas Eve, I’ve been looking forward to the Celebrations we had planned for months and our little girls have been struck down with a horrible cold. We have been battling fevers, body aches and colds for 3 days now. Earlier today we made the decision to cancel the visiting we had planned with family members and to miss our Candle Church Service with much sadness. …this sadness and irritability set in for a bit then I acknowledged it and moved on.

Out came family time!! We have watched movies, cooked together, danced and cried. It’s been a wonderful Christmas Eve together after all. Amazing huh? duhhhh. God’s plans for our family were different than mine. He strikes again!

So I spoke for the first time in public this week at an open meeting. It was an honor to be asked and immediately after I was I began praying. I prayed that my nerves would go away and that I would be able to concentrate on the fact that it was God’s opportunity to touch other’s lives, not MY opportunity to sit in the spotlight. Seriously…I actually prayed that like a hundred times in the week before. I wasn’t praying for the words or the voice, simply to shut down my ego and just gave it to HIM.

My Mum came to this meeting (first one for her) and it was a trip to be telling it the way it was and see her. My sister was there (she ROCKS) my hubby and some other fantastic friends. I couldn’t believe how calm I was, I don’t really remember what I said but apparently it went well.

A very nice woman approached me after and introduced herself, saying how much I had impacted her. She appreciated meeting a woman who had thought she’d balanced the family responsibilities with drinking only to find she’d failed.

She rocked my world with her thanks! I gave a few people this blog and told them they could find many fantastic blogs by following my links.

Tonight will be spent watching the Passion of Christ as hubby and I have done for years but I have a feeling this year I’ll be seeing it in a new light. God has SAVED me from Hell on Earth as well as in the afterlife.

Praise BE!!

Easy Does It

Only 6 days until Jesus’ Birthday!!!!

Each year our 2 precious little girls go to their Grandmother’s for the weekend at this time to celebrate their birthdays. They are both born in December….great planning I know 😉 What this meant each year is that hubby and I would run to the liquor store and beer store, call up friends and have great food, drinks and friends with lots of sleeping it off for the weekend. We were always wrecked when they returned.

What were we going to do this year? There were no plans, no invitations….I had avoided thinking about it. Then on a whim I posted on Facebook that hubby and I would be going locally for appetizers on Saturday night if anyone would like to join us.

So Saturday morning while hubby drove the girls to Grammie’s I had the joy of going to the cell phone store for 2 hours while they worked out some “issues”….the upside is the girls didn’t have to endure it. Then I went shopping….People are just bloody RUDE…I digress.

So I did the last of the shopping, got home where hubby met me. We put on the lights, turned on, Christmas music and set up the wrapping station. Imagine that if you preplan wrapping is easier??? I wish I’d taken pics of it, I was in Martha mode….had my scissors and tape in designates spots and Heaven help hubby if he tried to use my tags. So with hubby doing the bending and lifting of boxes we/I wrapped away.

Then I began to get irritable….really BAD. I was snapping and being a total Bitch in my head. WHY? I realized it and took a break, grabbed a coffee and prayed on it. I knew I was tired (from shopping) and in pain (car accident)….I had a huge realization…..every single year since I was 19 I’d had wine while wrapping. I’d never realized I’d done this. How did I not know this?

I was a person who made an event out of a glass of wine….choose the perfect wine at the store, put it on the counter where I can see it and look forward to it, finally get the pretty wine glass of choice (big as a baby’s head) and enjoy!

It was totally a part of Christmas prepping for me. So far the get togethers haven’t bothered me, it has only ever been my personal use of booze that I have missed! In private times.

Soooo I went back to my wrapping station and said in a bit of a scared voice to my hubby “I want a wine REALLY badly right now”.

We have talked about this many times in the past and how we would handle it. He said “you need a drink”…he went and got out my dusty wine bowl, washed it, filled with crushed ice and made me a “drink”. I sipped and felt joy….not so much because of the drink but because I have such an amazing husband. The drink was redbull and sprite by the way :) Dig it but have it so rarely because I want it to be a “special” drink.

The wrapping continued and was good, enjoyable even, amazing to me that we can make new memories to replace old habits 😉 Then we met up with friends for appetizers and had a BLAST laughing and chatting.

By the end of the evening I was exhausted and fulfilled with the Christmas season feeling of friends and family.

I’m glad today that I didn’t fly off the handle and start fights with hubby, I didn’t drink and I remembered to Pray for guidance. The TOOLS I’ve been given have really helped.

Oh and for the realization that I want nice glasses forever 😉 Cappuccinos and Mocktails are going to be important for me hahaha.

People Places and Things

Well for someone who “gets” it, I know nothing at times. I find I’m over analyzing people, places and things.

My brain seems to still be hardwired to review what I think are people’s opinions of me, to meet other people’s expectations (as I see them)….to want “things”..is this making sense?

Here’s one: I read something today that said Jesus broke the stereotype of “us” and “them”. I dug this so I decided to google supporting evidence because this is how I’ve always seen Jesus but couldn’t recall scripture. I stumbled across a forum where Christians were discussing the topic.

One person said that Jesus surrounded himself with the sinners, but went on to clarify it was repentant sinners and that although He was around the unrepentant Roman sinners, He didn’t have the same type of relationship with them.

Another person posted that they would spend time with non Christians, that he(the poster) enjoyed the religion discussions and felt he was growing through it. He also said that if these people were smokers or promiscuous or led “fast” lifestyles he wouldn’t hang out with them.

Confusing to me because I just want to be with people. I do see how being around “sinners”/non Christians would challenge me to be stronger and still expose me to behaviors I don’t want to practice potentially…..I don’t doubt my faith, I suppose that is because I’ve tasted Hell and have no desire to return.

What is hard for me to grasp is when people choose to segregate themselves based upon faith. If it’s because a person NEEDS to do this to ensure their spiritual or physical health I get it. But if it’s that they are judging a person’s habits or Christianity I think it’s a waste of an opportunity.

Personally I wouldn’t ever be so arrogant to judge someone’s relationship with Christ based upon behavior nor would I avoid spending time with non Christians as I’m taught to spread the word of Christ. How can we spread the word without being around non Christians?

Wow I do tend to ramble and this blogging takes me forever ha. I’m a grateful Christian but I just can’t fit myself into a box (as I percieve it) so I will get smart and just give it all up to God.

Instead of going in circles here trying to understand why people do what they do I will worry only about my own Purpose. I will give my life to God again (for like the 6th time today) and ask him to relieve me of the worrying I do and to guide my will and my actions.

People Places and things are beyond my control.

I love the path God has put me on thus far and I feel that His purpose for me will be revealed to me in His time.

In the mean time I’m going to begin a new challenge for myself. I will learn 50 new things about Jesus in 50 days. I have no idea when the 50th day is, it’s just a random number but it will do.

Rom. 2: 1-3 (NIV)
You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment?

One Day at a Time

Funny this blogging, it takes me huge energy (due to some issues I have from the car accident) and yet everything that happens in a day seems to be blog worthy. For those who are over the age of 30 and have an ounce of humor that is equivalent to sponge worthy ala Elaine of Friends. Wasn’t Phoebe the best?
So my life is crazy right now and yet I find Peace and Joy at each turn. Each time I feel the limitations I suffer since this car accident I have to divert my attention so I don’t become overwhelmed by the pity pot to which I’m susceptible. Not that hard when there is quality TV programming such as the Maury “Who’s your baby Daddy” show on each day. For real these people MUST be paid to be on there. I digress.

Today I’m doing a few odes…..first off on my list is my….
FUGCLINER

Don’t lie or be kind it’s horrific!
This beaut was a garage sale find, shocking as that is….I tried the Pottery Barn alas they just didn’t have the quality of FUG I was seeking. This baby was $20 and worth every penny until I can get an actual recliner which I can sit in. I have issues with my back/neck so to be comfy I need to sit with feet up. With the FUGCLINER I only need 4 pillows including a very sleep neck pillow such as they sell at CAA….yes Paris it’s HAWT. (is she still cool or am I old?)
LOVE the amount of 80’s tacky this puppy brings to our living room, I sit in it listening to my Milli Vanilli tape.
I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my friend Julie (wicked cool chick, check out her website on my link) who named said luscious piece of furniture.
Next on my list is my….
ANTIQUE JEEP …circa 1997
Ok so she looks sexy as can be right here, all 4×4 and snow worthy but under all this Loveliness is rust, bondo and a vehicle that is hell on gas.
I LOVE IT.
Seriously.
Now we bought this in the spring, hubby worked nights with the only vehicle (company vehicle was taken back after the accident when we realized I would be off work for a while).
I am lovin the Jeep but see that white stuff?
Not so much.
I was never EVER scared of winter driving, did all my learning in it so wasn’t an issue. Now since the accident I’m terrified, like sweat covered, shaking, gripping the wheel, breathing deeply scared. Soooo I drive in town only when necessary and hubby takes it to work. I like looking at it ….in a certain light it’s like the Porche SUV I always wanted 😉
The last item I was diggin today is my….
Sorels
Wait, that’s not mine…note the sleep look and the thin ankle area which would need me to bend to slip on? Nope I don’t qualify. Nor can I wear my heels…..lace ups….well basically my pair speaks for itself:
Just like these:
Sexy has met it’s match in these. Listen folks there’s nothing sexier than me not falling on my rump because I have no balance. They are warm, easy to slip on and my kids can help 😉
Functional is the new black.
Today I am grateful to have celebrated my daughter’s 5th birthday (so bloody sweet) to have taken the opportunity to read a Devotion and a Big Book chapter again ….and to try to blog.
With all that my body and emotions are going through my spirit has lifted me. My God and true core belief in my sobriety has helped me soar over my frustration, pain, sorrow to a place where I am feeling blessed.
Oh and to update you all, I chaired the Christmas Gratitude meeting for my Home Group on Saturday and it was AMAZING, I had friends who attended who had never been to a meeting before. Totally wonderful. Another group’s member approached me and asked me to speak!! So I’m going to this month…whoohooo 😉
Hoping within this 24 hours your growth, serenity, courage and wisdom have been granted.
“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

The Grace of God

I’m thinking to begin posting about my early sobriety before I forget the experience. My intent for this blog is to jot down my thoughts because these days they fall away from my memory. I love the blogs with humor about sobriety because it’s not all been misery, in fact, spiritually it’s been an amazingly loving, wonderful journey so far.

SO a bit about my history would be an appropriate place to begin. I was born a super cute lil thing to a British Mum and Dad who lived here in Canada, I have one sister who is AMAZING, you know the type of sisters where one follows the other around constantly annoying the other trying to be like her? That was us errr okay it was me. Great childhood, involved with sports, school, community and church.
As I said in my earlier post I felt “less than” within my own self and unless I was able to appear to be accomplished at something I rarely participated in it. I did well in school easily, same with sports and friends generally.
I cannot remember my first drink, my folks enjoyed beer and wine so it was commonly around our home, not like I was drunk on a Saturday night at 5 or anything but I’m certain I’d tasted beer at home young because I knew it tasted like funk before I recall drinking it. I also remember despising doing communion at our church because the wine tasted horrific (budding palate?)

In grade 7 a bunch of us kids were at my friends house and decided to steal a drink out of her Mom’s Texas Mickey of hooch. Seriously this was a HUGE (like to my waist) bottle with a pump top that her Mom refilled with something she made (I specifically remember her using panty hose to strain something which she boiled on the stove). So we get the cup and took turns. It burned like a MOFO!! I hated it ….and yet I had more than one because everyone else was.

Fast forward to years later and I was drinking with my Sister and her friends (she totally didn’t want me to cuz I was only 16)  it was Singapore Sling out of a tupperware juice container and we were playing Molsons poker. Do you see where this is going? Yup drunk, blottoed…gross and puking in the bathroom an hour later. So again wanting to “fit in” I had an aversion to booze.

I must say at this point I do have a tenacious streak which has served me well in business and other challenges and ultimately in my dumbass quest to become an accomplished connoisseur.

Off we go to my late teens – didn’t bother drinking much, I was usually the DD.

I’m not sure why but in my early 20’s I began to drink regularly. LIKE A SAILOR. I took pride in the fact that I could drink with the “big boys” and leave ’em in the dust. Thursday – Saturday nights were drunkfests, when most people were making memories I was blacking out. I had a great job, great family and all were well on these fronts…in my mind at the time it was normal for the youth to party like this.

I went to college again at 23 and didn’t really do the drinking thing because I commuted but Saturday nights are all a blur. Actually to be fair I was working 3 jobs and school so didn’t have much time but when I did…yup no holds barred. I think I had created a habit for myself of living my lives in different boxes, student, employee, sister, friend, daughter, party girl and never shall the two meet.

During my early to mid twenties I dated alot, made poor choices outside of work/school and led a really fast lifestyle. Clubs, parties….anything that was offered I spontaneously did. By my late 20’s I met who was to be my future husband. I got my first “real” career job and life was good. I remember feeling loved by someone other than family for the first time and my joy was huge because I loved him too. (let’s save that story of this wicked awesome guy for another blog)

Fast forward again to recent years…I was a Mom who worked, commuted and was often overwhelmed with the feeling that I wasn’t your typical June Cleaver which I strived to be. I compared myself to those other women who did it with seeming ease.

You know the ladies, the ones who are totally comfortable at the Early Years Centers, those who remember to bring snacks, clean clothes, are fully made up in their Lululemon yoga suits with their already tight abs and chatting over a coffee?? I was the Mum who ran out 20 minutes late with the diaper bag that I forgot to restock, not showered in a few days, frazzled, dying for a coffee or perhaps something to eat for the first time in DAYS ….but I made it to the bloody Early Years Center so my 6 month old daughter could “play” and “socialize” with other babies??????

Why didn’t someone slap me?

So this caught up with me….a glass of Shiraz on a Friday night bled over time into a bottle. My husband loved the gregarious wife who had come back to him on Friday nights, I was carefree again for a few hours, witty, fun, SEXY!! Then on Saturday evenings we always had plans with friends which meant wine for me, beer for the men (hubby has always been a 1 or 2 beers guy) and of course for a GREAT night it was shots of Patrone! Oh and I am a total snot with alcohol, it was so important to me that it be “quality” booze until later when boxed wine and buck a bottle beer worked too, heck I even drank sweet white wine my parents friends gave them for Christmas when I was in a pinch.

So Sunday to Thursday I waited (without realizing) for feeling like myself again on Friday and Saturday. I loved my daughters and enjoyed them totally but ultimately felt like I wasn’t the best Mum God could have chosen for them. I beat myself constantly with my internal thoughts as we women are apt to do. I got fit, jogging 4K/day with a wonderful friend of mine and felt great about surface things.

This drinking had begun to take a turn, I could be fun tipsy Julie and suddenly for no apparent reason to those around me become Mean Nasty Drunk Julie. It was totally unpredictable by the number of drinks or type. Frankly I didn’t remember most of it. Black outs were common for me.

I refuse to do a drunkalog so let’s say that this continued for a while, sometimes it was a lucky night with Awesome Party Girl Julie and sometimes Drunk Julie came out. I got sick of feeling the shame of waking. There is nothing like being afraid to open your eyes and look to see the mood of the ones you loved the most to know what you did.

The time came after just another Drunk Julie night when I’d had enough. I told hubby (not for the first time) that I was done with drinking. That I had to admit I needed help and that I needed GOD. I had known for a long time that I had an issue, that I abused alcohol and didn’t know why. I also knew that the day I quit I would be changing my entire life, way of thinking and truly giving it all up….all of my wants/desires and dedicating my life to God and His will.

FRIGHTENING doesn’t cover it. I was terrified to face a LIFEtime surrounded by alcohol and not being able to imbibe. I would be excluding myself FOREVER.

So this was it, I couldn’t ignore it anymore. There was no more space within me to stuff down the emotions. I got on my knees totally devastated and prayed to God. I gave him my life, confessed my sins of which I could face/remember and begged that he fill me with His Holy Spirit. That he take my life and guide me. That’s it. I had no more words but God knew what was in my heart.

From that moment, broken as I was, God has used me. He led me to a meeting, gave me the strength to walk in the doors and I’ve been relieved of the need to drink.

I am SoberJulie and today I’m Grateful by the Grace of Godhe is using me for His purpose and I feel at home.

Progress rather than perfection

Okay day 2 of the blog life, I must say there is a ton of amazing blogs to read. Amazing meaning: witty, funny, gross, challenging, thought provoking, sad, misdirected….frankly almost any adjective I can come up with and yes I’m using a Thesaurus.
Today I have been reflecting on my Journey thus far and have to say I’ve had it good but often was so wrapped up in self and the evils of to notice.
Since as far back as I remember I needed to be the best at everything I tried….grade 1 it was rollerskating. My sister (3 years older) and I had the white roller skates with bright red fuzzy covers and would put an LP on our wonderful portable record player and head down to the unfinished basement to practice our routines.
My sister was quite the choreographer, we put on quite elaborate shows which the local kids paid to see (she was an entrepreneur too). The thing is I didn’t practice for the love of rollerskating, even at this young age I just wanted to perfect the moves and be the “best”.  I remember the time fondly, grooving to Mini Pops and perfecting the slide ending to “Whip It” but I also remember going into school and lying to my friends telling them that I was taking Disco Rollerskating lessons. Seriously?
Wait, Disco was somewhat cool still (a necessary disclaimer)
Our small town didn’t even have a roller rink.
SO my rambling point is: I have a character defect: I tend not to enjoy the moment or accept my achievements. Even at 7 years old I wasn’t happy that I’d practiced and learned something new, it wasn’t “enough” in my own mind.
I’ve learned so much since walking through the door at my first meeting which was the day after I picked up my Bible and dusted it off.
Here just 2 things of many:
God loves variety and he made me unique, complex and for His purpose!

Psalm 139:13 (NLT), “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.”
Vs. 14 (NLT), “Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it!.”

Fear and Pride are a waste and impede my purpose.
From the AA’s Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions page 123:
“We have had a much keener look at ourselves and those about us. We have seen that we were prodded by unreasonable fears or anxieties into making a life business of winning fame, money, and what we thought was leadership. So false pride became the reverse side of that ruinous coin marked “Fear.” We simply had to be Number One people to cover up our deep-lying inferiorities.”
Page 124, 125:
“True ambition is not what we thought it was. True ambition is the profound desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God.”
This blog has gotten serious…ish but I really challenge everyone to slow down, accept yourself, enjoy the gifts and talents we are given. I don’t mean avoid challenges or development but LOVE yourself just as God does…..

Inititating

Well I’ve tried Twitter and found it boring, I’m just not the type to tweet. Facebook rocks but frankly I’m slow in thought and want a space to write how I feel to help me be “REAL” in this Journey which is my life.

So I am trying a blog, I’ve never thought I had much to say but now I’m giving it a whirl….heck if I enjoy a blog about toenail cutting due to the humor I must have something too.

Today’s lessons so far for me: remember to brush my teeth or my 4 year old will remind me, have a sense of humor with my limitations or my 6 year old will. God is using me even when I find it uncomfortable to be upfront and “REAL” He will make me.

I had the pleasure today to share my story of Alcoholism with a friend, I felt major physical pain at Physio therapy, held my daughter as she cried because I couldn’t pick her up, was overwhelmed in a parking lot because I couldn’t remember how to park…..it’s been a day to say the least.

And yet…..GOD put me in the position to share, to grow, to feel emotion and to feel Blessed that He is driving my bus and I’m not.

That’s it for my first post, to anyone who reads this please excuse all errors or confusing sentances but that’s just how I roll for the time being!!