Last February was a HUGE month in my life.
On February 6th I awoke after a heavy night of drinking hungover, sick, tired and defeated. It’s the day which would forever change my priorities and honesty with myself. This was the day I submitted my life to God’s will.
February 9th I turned 37….err I mean 27 for the 10th time.
February 10th I went to the gym and committed to running a 1/2 marathon with a friend in May.
February 26th I was in a car accident which negated the whole training pursuit.
This year has been a challenge to say the least. It began with starting to be honest with myself that I am and always will be powerless over alcohol but that I knew this wasn’t a hopeless issue. I knew in my soul that God would guide me. He brought me to AA and the people and the program which would change my life if I worked for it. Blind faith as I’ve been known to call it. And work it I have with the help of some fantastic people and God of course.
I am so glad I was sober before the car accident. This year has been one filled with physical pain, constant discomfort, scattered thoughts, inability to multitask or focus, sensitivity to noise/light, memory issues….on and bloody on. BUT I’ve laughed, I have breathed, been proud of my actions and efforts.
I have rejoiced in life!
Before I open my eyes each morning I’m greeted with pain but it’s like I’m beginning to be used to it on a momentary level….I don’t register it anymore. I don’t sit and wince or prolong the moment, I simply get up as I need to….get ‘er done right?
Each day I thank God for keeping me alive to have this time with my family and try as hard as I can to recover and participate.
Reality sucks for many of us, I’m not in control of my life so I have to appreciate what I can do.
But man it pisses me off! I’m normally functioning on numb….when I have emotions they’re HUGE. It’s hard to explain but it’s like I can see when a situation I am in is amusing but I don’t feel the laughter. I often put on the emotions for those around me to make them comfortable but I don’t really connect to it. Apparently this is the PTSD, I don’t care what it is, I just want my old self back.
Tonight I was at a meeting and one of the topics was feelings and emotions. People were sharing about feeling things for the first time in years and I felt this anger boiling over in me. Overwhelming anger. When it was my turn to share it poured out of me, my potty mouth was in overdrive ….I was releasing the anger at my inabilities all at once. Why wasn’t I given the opportunity to learn how to feel again in a “normal” way?? I know what’s normal right but this brain issue I have is messing with my recovery. So here I am on the verge of a panic attack and let it rip. I was shaking, stuttering, crying and letting loose my frustrations in a SAFE arena.
It was enlightening and the support amazing. After a year with these people in my home group you’d think I’d be at the stage of accepting that the support just exists but it humbled me. God again put me in just the one RIGHT place to experience this.
It’s not like I’m in a fairy tale and living happily ever after suddenly but tonight I can say I’m Grateful to have this foundation with these people and that for some reason, which I don’t know, I opened up and didn’t have a full blown panic attack. My exhaustion didn’t take over and I feel like a weight has been lifted.
Today I’m certainly not the person I was a year ago, I have grown in ways I can’t verbalize well. It’s the spiritual side which is the essence of whom I am. I may never hold a role such as I did before the accident or run a 1/2 marathon but Dammit I bloody like who I am today.